How not to write an MRP

03/01/2012 13:18
MRP is a wow addon popular on roleplaying servers; it allows one to add a text description of their character. This specific one belongs to some guild leader, and made me leave the guild two days after I joined, when I realized what that kind of MRP says about the psychology of the person running things. I'm changing some details to keep the dignity.

Taamra is a human female, taller than average; she seems in her mid thirties.  Her hair is a cascade of shimmering golden waves, sporting rare gray threads in the flowing, combed, sunrise ocean. Two stands crown a noble forehead, bearing the marks of maturity and concern. Three wrinkles are almost invisible on it, indicating wisdom and tenderness. Matching the hair in colour are the eyebrows, two perfect arcs dominating, in neat contrast, her glacial cerulean eyes, resembling, in their icy gray-ceruleaness shade, an endless wasteland of frozen infinity; an infinity that mirrors the quiet and calmness perceived through the irises, a severe and inscrutable curtain of anything crossing her mind.  Her complexion is perfect, untouched skin encircling her lips, the softness of which seems hardened by environment and weather; the undesired design of a scar makes its appearance over her right cheek blah blah blah...

Really, commander?

Really? As Neville put it, the only thing missing is a solid gold statue of this chiquita in the middle of Stormwind to complete the glorious description. How much self-worship can people put into their own character? Have you no shame, or sense of when to stop? Even if your character belongs in the one percent of the population which is stunningly aesthetic, both wise, strong and caring, is it really necessary to describe their eyebrows? "An endless wasteland of frozen infinity"? Really? Really?

This requires a poem, and to counter the cascade of tedious words of worshipfulness, I'll make it a haiku.

A wasteland of frost

your cock just poked my eye out

now I will gquit.

Neville's MRP rants, #03

24/4/2014   06:39


Dear readers, we return to this blog, not with a new harvest of poems, but due to an MRP that reminded us that being horrified with how far people go in describing their own character is much more common than a gust of sudden rhyming inspiration.

Somewhat censored because we're not here to humiliate anyone.

My thoughts: 
Dude, I can't fucking understand what you're saying. It feels like you shook a thesaurus and picked whatever random words fell out and then dumped them in no patricular grammatical order that makes this impossible to read. All I get while trying to read it is "I'm super cool! I'm special! I'm mysterious and dark, worship me, worship me the way I do myself!" which means I will never initiate roleplaying in your direction.

Neville's thoughts:
My God! Practically every time they glance down at their thesaurus and try to use an excessively fancy word, they get it wrong! The sentences are so warped by the influence of Purple that they don't even make sense anymore.

Also, I feel I must point out that the last sentence literally translates (from Purple to English, obviously) as: "What waits and waits underneath their appearance, which resembles that of a raven,  is a publically available male goose." I suppose that fits with the bird theme.

They actually described themself as wearing an 'ominous hood'! Do these people have no shame?

Neville's MRP rants, #02

30/01/2012 04:48
'Whilst in her innocent form, she's a cute girl. Her eyes are rather curious' Not the rest of her, just the eyes. They were transplanted after an accident a few years back - 'and she likes to explore.'  I can tell this by looking at her, apparently, so I'll assume she's in full Victorian explorer gear at all times.  'In her alternive personality she will try to kill anything close to her.' Ah, so 'alternive' means 'poorly-contrived and impractical'. I see. 'This will not trigger unless you actually attack her'  My word, my character certainly is very perceptive today. 'In this personality her hair covers an eye'  Which eye? One of hers? Or perhaps... one of her originals?  'and she looks rather evil.' Do elaborate, please. Does she have an evil goatee, or is she smirking the whole time?  'Eyes: Red'ish'. Wow. So an apostrophe now not only means "Look out, here comes an 's'" but has the decency to warn you a letter or two in advance.

Neville's MRP rants, #01

14/01/2012 03:13
And today we have an MRP (My RolePlay) character description that makes us miss those azure wastelands of poetic frostiness. I give you... Sadness.

Or, as the pillar of eloquence, Neville, put it:

'A visage of pearly porcelain' Ah, unlike all that matte porcelain you find lying around. Also, anyone who has a 'visage' instead of a face is immediately going on my ignore list. 'Glittering jewels of soulful, wistful, deep seascape' Ah, I see two adjectives wouldn't be nauseating enough for you. Let's hammer the point in with another one then refuse to use the word 'eyes'. Couldn't you at least stoop to 'orbs'? It's right up there with 'visage' but at least it vaguely sounds like it could be related to eyes, rather than just picking pretty words and substituting them, regardless of whether they make sense or not. Ah, and I see your seascape's lingering again. You do so love that word, even if it does imply that parts of your face are only hanging on for a while, which carries with it the logical conclusion that you're playing a beautiful, depressed leper. 'A beauty, naturally.' Oh, up until here I thought you were describing a gurning hunchback. Thank you for labouring that point further. 'These days, smiles are rare.' She's sad, have you picked up on that yet? 'Autumn's touch lingers'  Enough with the lingering! 'and teeters' Oh God, it's going to fall off! She really is a leper. 'upon dainty, frail fingers as rings of heritage, bejeweled and bright.' I think you need to put the thesaurus down, this is barely resembling a sentence as it is.